Sleep & Nap Issues: I Need Help Transitioning My Toddler From A Bed To A Crib

At first, Attachment Parenting sounds really good. Responding to the baby's needs, keeping her close for skin-to-skin contact, letting her learn independence at HER pace. I get it. I live on Maui, people -- this is Attachment Parenting Central.

Or maybe you just accidentally fell into having baby sleep in your bed. Lots of babies don't sleep well in the first year, and we're so tired that we're willing to do anything to get a little rest. Plus, it really can be dee-lish to snooze with that little sweetie right there.

But eventually, your little baby grows -- into a toddler. And realizes that she can 1) keep herself awake on demand, 2) insist on nursing constantly through the night, and 3) crawl, climb and play all over Mom and Dad, who are trying (in vain) to sleep.

So I get a lot of desperate emails from readers like Amy who are re-thinking the Attachment Parenting thing. Maybe not the WHOLE thing, but the "not getting any sleep at night after umpteen months" thing. Is it possible to transition a toddler OUT of your bed, and INTO her own crib? (Or is a toddler bed in your room better?)

This is such a complicated situation that I'm devoting an entire chapter in my book to it. But until that's available, here are some things to consider:

  • Toddlers don't associate cribs with "jails" or "cages", as some might suggest. That's an adult projection. Toddlers feel relieved to have a safe, cozy, predictable place of their own to retreat to, after a long day toddling, climbing, and falling.
  • Letting a toddler have free access to your room (or the whole house) at night while co-sleeping (or sleeping in a toddler bed in your room) is enough to cause most parents to sleep with "one eye open". Too much freedom, not enough sleep -- and maybe not safe, I say.
  • Parents who aren't getting much sleep after many, many months risk SERIOUS health consequences (think: life and death), plus the obvious negative impact on the relationship. Parents need some sleep to stay healthy and sane -- plus their own time -- together -- to be "on the same page" and have a strong relationship. Even babies and toddlers can absorb -- and accept -- this message.

But how to do it? This depends on your family's needs, the setup of your home, and your kiddo's temperament. If you're struggling with this, let me know. We can problem-solve in the comments section.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert Sign up for my Newsletter and Follow Me:

"Crying It Out": Acceptable -- or Abuse?

One of the most primitive, innate reactions any mom has is to comfort her crying child. But as we've talked about here before, many babies can tolerate -- and thrive -- with some crying, when their parents thoughtfully decide why and when that might be necessary.

That's why articles like this leave me mystified -- especially when they come from one of my shrink colleagues.  Her bottom line is that CIO is dangerous. She trots out all the old arguments, hailing the Dr. Sears "science" behind her claims, and providing one of the most common misinterpretations of infant research. She makes the mistake that clinical research findings about abused and maltreated babies -- babies who were pervasively denied their needs over the long-term -- should be applied to NORMAL babies in NORMAL families.

The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD.

More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common --and dangerous -- condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby -- and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.

Firebombs like those thrown in the Psychology Today article only make the burden heavier on moms. What a shame.

Aloha as always,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

PS: Wow, what a response! After commenting here, please also see the comments developing over at the Fussy Baby Site.

Parenting Tips: How To Leave Your Baby For The First Time

I get a weird, quivery feeling in my stomach when I think back to the time, 8 years ago, when I first left our first child in the care of a sitter. That sitter, Keri, has gone on to become a part of the family -- a central figure in our lives and the reason I can function on a daily basis. But on that day, I had horrendous visions of the damage that would be done to my daughter. How could anyone care for her as well as I? I had to force myself away from them -- Keri holding my daughter's arm up to wave "bye bye" as I drove away. I cried on my way to the meeting I had to attend. It's harder on us than it is on them

Of course, all went very well that day, and for all these years since. But that day ranks up there with one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Here are some tips for those of you facing that fateful day:

Ease Into It Slowly

You and your baby will adjust more smoothly if you plan to be away for progressively longer periods of time. Start out slow: figure out the least amount of time that you'll be able to handle being away, even if it's just for a few minutes. Arrange to have the sitter come anyway, and explain to her that you'll be coming and going as you all adjust to the new arrangements. Or if you're leaving her at daycare, work out a "transition" time with the teacher so that you can come and hang out for awhile at drop-off and pick-up times, helping your baby (and you) to adjust. Eventually build up to the length of time you'll usually be away. For some, this may take days -- or weeks. That's OK.

It May Be Harder For You Than It Will Be For Your Baby

Regardless of baby's age, talk to her about your plans to leave in advance. Even if she doesn't understand your words, the tone of your message will sink in. It will also be therapeutic for you to talk about it. Up until about 5 or 6 months, your baby will be pretty cool with you being away for awhile. Older babies and toddlers will need more "practicing" in advance, but for most, their protests will only last a few minutes at most after you leave. A good sitter will have a plan to distract her quickly after you've gone. Have the sitter call you when the baby calms down -- you'll feel much better.

Know That You'll Feel Like A Part Of Your Body Is Being Removed

You're supposed to feel that way -- Mother Nature makes sure of that. Know it in advance and make plans to deal with the feelings: Call an understanding friend after you leave, and make plans for a fun thing you haven't been able to do because of the baby. But don't let the feelings keep you from getting the sitter in the first place.

Each Time It Will Get Easier

As long as your sitter is good, you'll feel better and better each time you leave. And then you'll start to feel a developing sense of relief and gratitude that you don't have to do it all yourself. You have help now! HOORAY!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink

Attachment Parenting: Broadening the AP Debate into Vaccinations

We've had a lot of action around here regarding Attachment Parenting. The issue doesn't end at sleep training, babywearing, or extended nursing. It also is smack dab in the middle of one of the most contentious issues in parenting today...the issue of the safety of vaccinations. If you've read my posts here for long, my thoughts won't come as any surprise to you. I'm strongly pro-vaccination. And I evaluate toddlers all the time for autism. I realize that I may incur the wrath of some sadly misinformed readers out there, but I gotta tell ya: Vaccines have saved millions of lives. Case closed. (To me, at least.) If you haven't already, check out this post stating my thoughts on the issue.

Along with a mini-flood of reader questions about infant sleep, reader Julie posted this comment today, and I thought I would write about it because there's a lot of momentum going in this direction in the parenting press these days:

Hi, I also have a 7-month-old and I just did the sleep training with the Sleep Easy Solutions book. It has been a great experience! We actually bedshared for a bit, but it became very taxing in the evenings, as he could not go to sleep without me. He now sleeps longer and better and gets himself to sleep. We are now working on naps. Interestingly enough, he used to nap so much better next to a parent, but now he sleeps better if he gets himself to sleep. I think seven months was the perfect time for us to transition him to his crib and help him learn to sleep on his own.

I wrote about this on my personal blog, ilovemonsters.blogspot.com.

I heard about your blog on Mainstream Parenting Resources. I also have a new blog with some other folks called Rational Moms.

I’m very interested this whole AP thing–I have some major issues with Sears. So I was looking at your articles on this in preparation for my own post.

After reading her comment, I pulled a link to a fantastic article in the New York Times from the Mainstream Parenting site. It broadens the issue of Attachment Parenting into the issue of vaccinations. Check it out.

Can't wait for the fireworks.

Attachment Parenting: More Discussion On Its Pros And Cons

There's an interesting discussion that's taking place on several sites simultaneously, and rather than responding to comments down below one of my more recent Attachment Parenting posts, I thought I'd highlight the discussion here, since lots of us are interested. Many of us are confused when we read parenting advice by "gurus" like Dr. Sears (who coined the term "Attachment Parenting"), because it makes us wonder whether we're doing a terrible disservice to our children if we use some form of "Cry It Out", DON'T co-sleep, engage in "babywearing", or do "extended breastfeeding". Poor Susanna came over to BabyShrink, after feeling scolded by AP proponents when she tried the "Cry It Out" (CIO) approach in a desperate attempt to get her son to sleep. We've continued to discuss the issues, with Annie at PhDinParenting bravely supporting her beliefs here, and elsewhere.

Annie left a link on a fascinating, very thorough anthropological review article looking at aspects of "natural parenting" worldwide. If you've got the time to read through the 82 page document -- go for it. Seriously, it's extremely interesting. I certainly find very little to quarrel with in the report. Perhaps Annie doesn't realize it, but here at BabyShrink we agree that responsive, "tuned-in" parenting is crucial in child development, and that physical -- and emotional -- contact, and very involved care, is an essential component in the ultimate well-being of a child. And that the lessons learned from in-depth study of attachment -- via well-accepted research -- informs our approach and intentions.

But the research review that Annie showed us mainly focuses on the young infants we ALL agree need to have close, physical contact and deeply involved parenting. It doesn't extend much to a discussion of toddlers and preschoolers, which is the group most often asked about at BabyShrink. It also doesn't tell us that the "Attachment Parenting" approach is somehow BETTER than the "Good Enough" parenting we strive for.

My beef is with those who take excellent research, and make unwarranted generalizations about it. The research shows us that excessive crying and non-responsive parenting is bad for the development of babies. --Well, duh. The research does NOT say, for instance, that a certain amount of crying, in the service of getting an older baby or toddler to sleep through the night, in their crib -- is a bad thing.

The bottom line here is that I'm against any sort of "holier than thou" parenting approach that doesn't respect individual differences in babies' temperaments and family circumstances. Good Enough is GOOD ENOUGH -- and there's research to support THAT. You don't have to be a perfect parent, and in fact in trying, you can make everyone nuts. There are far too many parents out there on "information overload", worried that they are daily making bad decisions for their kids, and in the process, not learning to trust their own best instincts as parents. You know your child best. I've always said to take what I say, or what any "expert" advises, with a grain of salt. Take what makes sense, leave the rest, and improvise from there.

Do I think Attachment Parenting can be applied with excellent results? Of course. Are there AP parents who are doing a fantastic job? Absolutely. But there is a vocal AP minority who insist on spreading the "gospel" to those of us who don't appreciate the prosteletyzing -- and whose children are turning out pretty great, thank you very much.

FOR MORE OF DR. HEATHER'S THOUGHTS ON ATTACHMENT PARENTING, SEE THIS POST, AND THIS ONE TOO. IT'S BECOME A HEATED TOPIC!

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

Attachment Parenting: In Praise of Attachment Parenting (Sort Of)

Every week, I buy groceries at our grungy, local health-food store. My daughter affectionately dubbed it "The Stinky Market" -- partly because of that characteristic "health-food store" smell, but also because of the bodily odors emanating from some of the motley group of customers frequenting the place -- a weird combination of surfers, hippies, homeless people, backpacking travelers, and "Euro-Trash". --- Oh, and the occasional yuppie mom like me. (Except I hope I'm not one of the stinky types. In all honestly there aren't TOO many stinky customers, but the one or two in there at any given time are certainly enough.) During each visit, I see at least 4 or 5 "Baby-Wearing" mamas in the store. These dedicated parents take their childrearing (and food shopping) very seriously, braving the narrow aisles with groceries piled precariously high atop rickety shelves, all the while with an infant (or toddler, or preschooler) attached to their bodies. These are the Attachment Parenting advocates living at a major heart of the AP movement. These are dedicated baby-wearers, extended-breastfeeders, family-bedders, and gentle-discipliners. And because I live in a nexus of strident AP, we have more than our fair share of AP fundamentalists. And in fact the Stinky Market is the very place where I've gotten an uninvited comment (and plenty "Stink-Eye") about using strollers.

But this week, I was feeling quite contrite about my last AP post -- not because I have changed my opinion (I haven't). But I realized that the AP parents are really coming from the same place that motivates me in my parenting approach -- we just get to somewhat different places with it. And I also feel really bad about offending some of you out there whom I consider to be readers, supporters, and friends....those of you who practice AP, and don't deserve the uninvited criticism from me. To any of you I offended -- you know who you are -- I offer my sincere apology.

But because it was on my mind so much, I went back to developmental theory, to remind myself exactly WHY I disagree with some of what AP espouses. This is the quick version:

Infant Development: A (Very) Quick Primer The infant starts out in life as a completely dependent being. She relies on her parents (usually the mother) for such fundamental things as nutrition and the regulation of bodily processes. In many ways, the infant is born "unfinished", being delivered at 40 weeks' gestation not because she's really ready to be born, but because the human mother is not physically capable of delivering a larger infant. She needs to be "attached" to her mother to fulfill these needs. This attachment allows successful development into later phases of growth.

Over time, the infant becomes capable of voluntary movement. She starts to control her body in ways SHE wants to; it's no longer up to her own random or reflexive movements. And with this voluntary movement comes the spark of the ability to be mobile, and to communicate.

Movement away from the parent requires a means of communicating over distance with that parent: When you crawl across the room, it's nice to be able to say "Doggie!" and to point at the doggie, to get your parents' attention. Communication becomes more necessary when the child can move away from the parent. And communication is a symbolic way of continuing attachment. We can tell older babies I love you! And their ability to understand abstract communication helps them to feel the love, without being physically held. It's not that physical comfort is no longer necessary, but rather, the baby now has a new, more advanced way to be attached; through communication. And that allows the baby to become more independent, and venture out, away from the parent.

And moving away from the parent is really the point of development, isn't it? It's called independence. This isn't dictated by some non-AP theory, it's simply accepted developmental fact. Remember reading about Margaret Mahler in your Intro Psych class? She was the acknowledged queen researcher of infant development. She observed infants all over the world moving through phases of complete dependence in early infancy, through the phases of Separation-Individuation later in toddlerhood. This phase is topped off by the challenging, difficult phase of Rapprochement, in which the infant is conflicted about independence. She varies between clingy attachment, and boldly venturing out on her own. Many of the questions I get here at BabyShrink have to do with the fundamental conflicts inherent during the Rapprochement phase.

Of course this does not mean that our 2-year-olds are completely independent; we shouldn't be expecting them to bring home a paycheck any time soon. But it does point out the slow modification that our parenting approach needs to make over time; the understanding that the increased ability of the infant to handle (and explore) independence requires us to give them room to do so. The infant starts out needing complete "attachment" to the parents, and gradually needs less and less attachment over time in order to develop independence.

How is this different from Attachment Parenting? Yeah, I know that AP understands and appreciates the nature of "attachment" -- they used it in the name of the approach, after all. And I'm totally with them on the use of AP principles, but only with very young infants, and only when that infant is constitutionally amenable to the intense physical contact of AP. As I said in my previous post, AP comments very little on those infants who simply do better with a little time and space on their own; a little less handling -- and little "breaks" from being "attached" all the time. Many of my readers have babies whose sensory systems simply could not handle all that attachment, and are so much happier with a little "breathing room". And as infants become toddlers, they crave less and less dependence -- and more and more independence. And we, as parents, need to walk that tightrope of "Rapprochement" with them.

So I guess this is my lengthy reply to all of you who commented and emailed on my last AP post -- and also my apology, to any of those I unintentionally offended. I hope this post shows that I agree wholeheartedly with the intended goals of AP -- we just vary in our approach.

IF YOU FOUND THIS POST FIRST, MAKE SURE TO CATCH ANOTHER ONE OF MY AP POSTS HERE AS WELL

Attachment Parenting: Is It Bad for the Child?

Dear Dr. Heather, Does breastfeeding past 2 years of age encourage dependency? I know a child who is still breastfeeding and has become very whiny and attached to her mother. The mother is making no effort to wean the child. Is this type of emotional attachment healthy for the child? She still wakes up to nurse during the night and sleeps in the parent’s bed.

Thanks,

Concerned about a child

Dear "Concerned",

This is a polarizing issue that tends to bring out strong opinions. There is a community that promotes an approach called "Attachment Parenting", based on the work of well-known pediatrician and author William Sears, MD, and one of they key tenets of this approach says that "extended breastfeeding" (past the age of two years) is recommended and important to the development of a child to promote a solid sense of safety and security. However, their key tenets are only based loosely on well-known child development research, and Attachment Parenting certainly has it's critics.

One of the things I do like about Attachment Parenting (AP) is it's understanding of the cultural differences that exist in families around the world, and the promotion of various ways of raising a family that can resonate more fully with various non-Western cultures. For instance, many Asians traditionally -- and happily -- share a family bed, or a family bedroom, as is suggested by AP. I also like the fact that AP promotes the reliance on the family's own resources to know what is best for their children; we don't have to rely on outside "experts" for everything. AP is also well-known for it's insistence that the attachment between infant and mother is essential to the development of a healthy baby, both physically and emotionally. That message sometimes gets lost, or diluted, in Western cultures.

The problem I have with AP is that it's adherents often tend to be quite orthodox in their beliefs. I myself have been sternly lectured for simply using a stroller (as opposed to "baby-wearing", another AP belief), as well as for using a bottle to feed my baby in public. Of course, this is the opposite of the intolerant demagogues who criticize breastfeeding in public -- it's their shared judgmental strictness that bothers me most.

The other concern I have is that it takes a blanket, "one-size-fits-all" approach to all children. Some babies don't want to be held all the time. Some babies need time without physical contact to "decompress" from all that physical stimulation. Some babies don't do well breastfeeding either, and many babies sleep better when they're not disturbed by the direct physical contact of their parents. And your approach to raising your babies has to be dependent, at least partially, on the unique constitution of those babies. You've seen me write about sensory differences here at BabyShrink, and I know far too many babies who have these quirks and preferences to be comfortable giving a blanket statement about "baby-wearing", breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. In our family, only 1 of our 3 children enjoyed being held all the time; the other two needed "time-outs" from direct physical contact in order to look around and "process" all of that physical contact. They (and I) both felt better for a little break now and again, and I used bouncy seats, strollers and cribs regularly for these breaks. It simply isn't fair to criticize parents who accurately judge the needs of their babies to include a little "down time", or to make them afraid that they risk their child's optimal development if they use a stroller or have their crib in their own room.

If you've read other BabyShrink posts, you won't be surprised to hear me say that I strongly support the uniqueness of each individual family to best decide the individual needs of each of their unique babies. And to that end, I say that if it works for a family to have a family bed, or for mom to breastfeed for over two years, I'm not going to criticize that. However, I have met many families who suffer negative consequences of making those decisions, but stick with them in the false belief that it's what's best for their children. Often, an AP family will come to see me for a problem related to the development of their toddler. When I start to gather more information, guess what? Mom is exhausted, usually because she has been unable to sleep through the night since the day her baby was born; she's often still nursing several times a night. And her husband is grumpy because he can't get any "alone time" with his wife, and he's sick of being kicked through the night by a toddler who gets bigger by the day. So mom is beyond exhausted, dad is frustrated and distant, and the toddler becomes the focus of the problem. Everyone suffers in this scenario. In this situation, my advice often includes the suggestion to transition the toddler into his own bed, in his own room, to restore some balance in the lives of the couple. The relationship needs attention, too! If the parents don't have a strong relationship, the development of the child will surely suffer. And if the child needs to sleep in his own bed, and be weaned from breastfeeding, that is a small price to pay if it serves the purpose of bringing the parents back into a more harmonious relationship.

So, "Concerned" reader, I can't say that "extended breastfeeding" will hurt the development of the child, without knowing all the other factors in the family. It remains the responsibility of the family to determine what's best for them -- and for their child. But I certainly don't promote Attachment Parenting as the "be-all, end-all" guide to what's best for your child. Only you can decide that!

Aloha, Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert AND MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT THE COMMENTS TO THIS POST FOR AN EXTENDED, INTERESTING DISCUSSION AMONG READERS!

AND DON'T MISS ANOTHER ONE OF MY ATTACHMENT PARENTING POSTS HERE PLUS THIS POST AS WELL -- IT'S BECOME A POPULAR TOPIC!!