Reader JD was asking me for some specifics on sleep training, and I fought off the urge to give you another list of "How-To's". Your baby is much more complicated than a quick "Baby's Sleep Checklist", so here are some thoughts to ponder while you are up with your little screamer tonight, courtesy of one of my faves, Selma Fraiberg:
Regarding 9-12 month old babies:
We understand that the older infant finds it painful to be separated from beloved persons. We grant him the right to protest. At the same time this pain, this discomfort, is something he can learn to tolerate if it is not excessive. We need to help him manage small amounts of discomfort and frustration. If we are too quick to offer our reassuring presence, he doesn't need to develop his own tolerance. How do we know how much he can tolerate? By testing a bit of the limits of his tolerance as they become known to us. The point at which protesting and complaining crying turn into an urgent or terrified summons is the point where most of us would feel he needs us and we would go to him. This is real anxiety and he needs our reassurance. But we need not regard all crying of the older infant and young child as being of the same order. At this age, in contrast to the period of early infancy, the baby can manage small amounts of anxiety or discomforts by himself....As far as possible we should try to reassure the child in his own bed. Picking him up, rocking him, is usually not necessary and seems indicated only when the baby is unusually distressed by anxiety or illness.
From The Magic Years, pages 74-75.
If you like Selma, Click on "The Quotable Parent" down and to the right for more juicy tidbits, or just buy the paperback -- I promise it will end up heavily read, re-read, mashed and dog-eared, like mine. I'm clinging tightly to Selma these days (and nights), as Baby #4 has proved to be exceptionally gifted in protesting loudly, and waking up her siblings. But we are making progress, and so will you. Hang in there!
Dr. Heather The BabyShrink