Let's Get This Potty Started on TV! Potty Training Advice and Tips by Dr. Heather

Lots of potty talk going on at KITV recently. Come see a fun interview about Let's Get This Potty Started! My new potty training book is doing awesomely well, thanks to all your support and reviews. It's consistently in the Top 3 on the Kindle Toilet Training List. Woo hoo!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

Listen to Kids. Here's Why

We're too busy. Too busy to hang out and listen to each other. Too busy to ask open-ended questions. Too busy to let ideas grow in unpredictable, wonderful ways. I'm just as guilty as anyone. Now that our baby is 3, I'm re-dedicating my efforts to get off the crazy/busy bandwagon. She's got a lot to say, and I don't want to miss out. When our kids are little, we have the chance to set the foundation for listening. Asking -- and listening. I advise parents to start doing this with their babies even in the earliest weeks and months of life. A surprising amount of communication happens even then. Eventually, you'll get stories about what happened in preschool that day. Listen for stories of how our kids find their way with their peers. About sharing, arguing, and crying. About making up with friends, and making new ones, too.

Later, in the elementary years, you'll stories about tests and grades, the bully on the playground, and if you're lucky, stories like this:

Pretty cool, huh? If we're too busy, we miss out on those opportunities.

Here's another payoff: When those kids get into middle and high school -- and encounter all sorts of squirrelly social situations -- they'll have a foundation for talking things through with trusted adults to help them find their way. So have fun asking -- and listening.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink

Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

 

 

 

Sleep & Nap Issues: I Need Help Transitioning My Toddler From A Bed To A Crib

At first, Attachment Parenting sounds really good. Responding to the baby's needs, keeping her close for skin-to-skin contact, letting her learn independence at HER pace. I get it. I live on Maui, people -- this is Attachment Parenting Central.

Or maybe you just accidentally fell into having baby sleep in your bed. Lots of babies don't sleep well in the first year, and we're so tired that we're willing to do anything to get a little rest. Plus, it really can be dee-lish to snooze with that little sweetie right there.

But eventually, your little baby grows -- into a toddler. And realizes that she can 1) keep herself awake on demand, 2) insist on nursing constantly through the night, and 3) crawl, climb and play all over Mom and Dad, who are trying (in vain) to sleep.

So I get a lot of desperate emails from readers like Amy who are re-thinking the Attachment Parenting thing. Maybe not the WHOLE thing, but the "not getting any sleep at night after umpteen months" thing. Is it possible to transition a toddler OUT of your bed, and INTO her own crib? (Or is a toddler bed in your room better?)

This is such a complicated situation that I'm devoting an entire chapter in my book to it. But until that's available, here are some things to consider:

  • Toddlers don't associate cribs with "jails" or "cages", as some might suggest. That's an adult projection. Toddlers feel relieved to have a safe, cozy, predictable place of their own to retreat to, after a long day toddling, climbing, and falling.
  • Letting a toddler have free access to your room (or the whole house) at night while co-sleeping (or sleeping in a toddler bed in your room) is enough to cause most parents to sleep with "one eye open". Too much freedom, not enough sleep -- and maybe not safe, I say.
  • Parents who aren't getting much sleep after many, many months risk SERIOUS health consequences (think: life and death), plus the obvious negative impact on the relationship. Parents need some sleep to stay healthy and sane -- plus their own time -- together -- to be "on the same page" and have a strong relationship. Even babies and toddlers can absorb -- and accept -- this message.

But how to do it? This depends on your family's needs, the setup of your home, and your kiddo's temperament. If you're struggling with this, let me know. We can problem-solve in the comments section.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert Sign up for my Newsletter and Follow Me:

Teaching Empathy to Older Kids: Video Tips from a Japanese Classroom

Empathy. Happiness. We know we want to teach these essential life skills to our kids. But how? This series of short videos showcases the attitude one Japanese schoolteacher uses to teach his students how to be caring, happy kids. This first segment introduces Mr. Kanemori -- a kind, tough, funny teacher whose goal is to teach kids how to live a happy life -- and how to care for other people. But he doesn't sugar-coat life, and the challenges even children confront:

In the second segment, the kids learn key lessons about bullying and what it means to be a true friend. I was amazed at how long he stuck with the lesson. A good lesson for us in how long it takes to convey these complex skills to the kiddos:

The third segment gives a great lesson on how to negotiate with kids. Mr. Kanemori doesn't hide his aggravation -- but he doesn't rigidly stick with his punishment when the kids explain it wasn't fair, either. This is especially hard in parenting, because you want the kids to know you are serious in setting limits, and don't want to let them think they can run over you. Yet sometimes, the kids have a point, and we can model what a reasonable negotiation looks like:

The fourth segment shows us how even children can be taught how to handle life's tragedies. We want to bubble-wrap them to protect them from the uncertainties of life. We can't -- but we can give them skills to be more resilient:

Finally, the school year comes to an end. Have the kids learned anything from Mr. Kanemori? You be the judge. (Get your kleenex ready.)

Empathy and happiness CAN be taught -- but it's not easy. It takes more time and dedication than most of us realize. Do you teach these lessons at home? And how can we even start doing this in school?

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert Sign up for my Newsletter and Follow Me:

Video: Giving Birth & The Human Birth Process

The most obvious of miracles are the ones right in front of us. Having a baby -- producing a person--  is a mind-blowing process. Just think of how many things in the delicate, microscopic machinery of the human body must go RIGHT for a baby to be born. But it's easy get lost in the daily drudgery of life. We fail to appreciate the beauty of what our bodies have done. So check this out: a 9 minute Ted Weekends video post that shows -- in incredible detail -- the journey our baby goes through to become a person.  The next time fussy toddlers, crabby bosses, or terrible traffic get me down, I try to remember this video. From a single cell to trillions in just 9 months, it's a miracle that dwarfs life's little annoyances.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

Sleep & Nap Issues: Nighttime Crying & Proof That Crying It Out Is OK

Don't flame the messenger, but here's more proof that SOME nighttime crying won't harm your baby -- and actually may help the whole family by boosting mom's mental health. A big shout-out to mom's health advocate Katherine Stone for being on-record about this hot-button issue. She risks the backlash that I've experienced here, but she does it for the health and well-being of families and babies. Kudos to you, Katherine!

The bottom line is this: Neglect, hostility, and abuse DO hurt babies. Blowing off some steam to settle down for a better night's sleep DOESN'T. Of course, individual personalities and circumstances make a difference: Pick up and comfort your baby if she's sick, super-scared, or if she has an unusually sensitive temperament (or, if you have a crying/barfer, like one of my kiddos. Who wants to be up all night AND clean a barfy crib?) If you want to argue, argue with the respected journal that published the research today, Pediatrics.

Judging parents for their reasonable decisions about their own children is NOT good for families and babies. So hurray for more proof that this controversial parenting decision doesn't deserve the attacks it often gets. Parents and children who get more sleep are happier AND healthier. That's nothing to cry about.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

Parenting Tips: Talking To Children About Tragedies

 12/14/2012 Unfortunate update: It's time to talk about this again. My heart is broken, as is yours. Feel free to connect with me here or on Twitter to ask about how you can approach this in your family. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Colorado shooting has come and gone -- and now the Connecticut school shootings, and we're left trying to explain things to The Littles. One well-meaning mom criticized me on Twitter for even suggesting we talk to young children about violence. "Why even bring it up?" she wondered. Her life is much more insular than many of ours -- I have a 2 year old. But I also have a 6 year old. And a 9 year old. And an 11 year old. And those kids have completely different levels of awareness and understanding of these situations -- and they talk. In front of The Littles. So parents like us need talking points for those tricky situations. So here are my thoughts about how to navigate these unavoidable conversations. Let's be ready, because unfortunately, it won't be the last time. I was also quoted in Newsweek/The Daily Beast about the issue. I hope I made the point that parents taking their young children to movie theaters aren't the problem. Untreated mental illness and widespread availability of guns ARE. Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

ADHD Tips and More: KITV Live Segment

Thanks to Jill Kuramoto and the great team at KITV for having me on again yesterday. This time, we talked about how to know whether your child has ADHD -- or is just an active kid. We also talked about how to slow down and enjoy this wild adventure of parenting a bit more. Check it out!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink

Parenting Tips: Considering Kindergarten?

I'm digging deeper into the decision of whether to start Kindergarten this fall -- or not. Look out for 4 in-depth posts on the subject. Check out my video over here --> for a sneak-peek!

Next, check out my first post in the series, where I show you how I make tough parenting decisions when there isn't an easy answer. You can apply my method to your kindergarten decision, or any other tricky parenting dilemma.

Here's the second post, for parents of shy kiddos. Even they can have a great start to their school careers.

And now for the third post. The "Redshirting" craze has me worried: Here's why.

My fourth post requires a box of Kleenex for the sentimental among you (and I certainly count myself a member of your group). Our babies are growing up so fast! Some ideas on how to Let Go As They Grow. (Sigh.)

There will be 4 total entries this month, and I'll post as they're ready for you -- so come back and check for each in the series.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink

Dr. Heather's First Live TV Appearance

Despite awakening at 4 am with bloodshot eyes from an allergy attack (perfect for HDTV, right?) -- I was psyched to head down to KITV yesterday morning to talk story with the gang about parenting. So mahalo to Jill Kuramoto for inviting me, and a big aloha to Mahealani Richardson, Moanike'ala Nabarro, and Yasmin Dar for making me feel so at home in the studio. Looking forward to seeing you all again next month!

Here's the link: Dr. Heather on KITV -- January 17, 2012

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink

Parenting Tips: Maintaining Work/Life Balance with Young Children

It's a fact of life: Whether you work at home or out of the home, part time or full time, life with young kids is always a juggling act.

Achieving balance is really only aspirational -- never truly possible. But living in Hawaii has shown me that surfing is an apt metaphor for what we all aspire to -- a sense of freedom and control in the face of powerful life forces.

I'm especially proud of this post I wrote for my fab partners over at The Learning Care Group: Check it out, and let me know what YOUR tips are for staying sane when trying to stay on top of it all.

Aloha,

 

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink

"Crying It Out": Acceptable -- or Abuse?

One of the most primitive, innate reactions any mom has is to comfort her crying child. But as we've talked about here before, many babies can tolerate -- and thrive -- with some crying, when their parents thoughtfully decide why and when that might be necessary.

That's why articles like this leave me mystified -- especially when they come from one of my shrink colleagues.  Her bottom line is that CIO is dangerous. She trots out all the old arguments, hailing the Dr. Sears "science" behind her claims, and providing one of the most common misinterpretations of infant research. She makes the mistake that clinical research findings about abused and maltreated babies -- babies who were pervasively denied their needs over the long-term -- should be applied to NORMAL babies in NORMAL families.

The fact is, there is no evidence whatsoever that occasional CIO in typically developing babies causes any damage. PERIOD.

More importantly, there IS evidence that severely sleep-deprived mothers are at much higher risk of developing an already common --and dangerous -- condition: postpartum depression. And PPD certainly CAN lead to long-term damage to both baby -- and the entire family. CIO is a method that, when implemented thoughtfully, can often lead to improved sleep (and health and happiness) for everyone.

Firebombs like those thrown in the Psychology Today article only make the burden heavier on moms. What a shame.

Aloha as always,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink Mom of Four, Parenting Expert

PS: Wow, what a response! After commenting here, please also see the comments developing over at the Fussy Baby Site.

Older Kids: My Third Kid Hates Kindergarten Too!

Remember this guy? This sweet, cuddly, awesome 4-year-old? Well, now he's a big 5-year-old, and he's been in kindergarten for about 7 weeks. He started out with an enthusiastic bang, but now we're dealing with tears and major foot-dragging when it comes to going to school.

 

I know, I know -- I shouldn't be surprised. "Help! My Kindergartener Hates School All of a Sudden!" is one of my most popular posts -- and a very common parenting dilemma. Fact is, young children are totally different animals than "school aged" kids -- and by that, I mean 8-year-olds and up. Little kids are still developmentally more like preschoolers. And that means they're likely to change their minds about -- well, just about everything. So, starting off kindergarten all excited -- then losing steam after a few weeks -- isn't a surprise. Check out my post (and the growing comment section, with my additional suggestions) for coping ideas.

And hang in there, if you've got a balking kindergartener. Usually, if you can support your child through this tricky developmental stage, the protests wind down by Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink

Toddler Behavior: Louise Bates Ames Writes About Your One-Year-Old

I'm reading every parenting book ever written on an obsessive quest to find helpful nuggets and insights to include in my first BabyShrink book. Those of you who know me know that I think much of what's available these days is garbage. Junk. Not practical. Not worth the money.

But once in awhile, I find a gem. Most of these gems are "oldies but goodies" -- dated, in some ways, but true and superb in the way that classics always are.

Louise Bates Ames, PhD, wrote a whole series of parenting books over 30 years ago, with a new book for each year of life. I've read most of them, but so far, this is my favorite. It might have to do with the fact that I have a particularly spicy 1-year-old in the house (thankfully NAPPING, at the moment -- something I don't take for granted with her).

Ames doesn't take 12-24 months for granted, like so many other parenting writers. Ames contends that, in fact, this is one of the trickiest ages to parent -- and I fully agree. In this book, she explains why -- and gives the simplest, sweetest, most effective suggestions I've ever read on how to contend with your newbie toddler.

Enjoy.

Aloha,

Dr. Heather The BabyShrink